I cut my penus on the lid.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
