Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
