No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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