do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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