Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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