the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
