i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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