stop calling my apartment porn island.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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