Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
