I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
