all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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