Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
