hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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