i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
