i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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