I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
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