He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
