You really coming over, don't trick.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
