there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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