Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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