Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Pappa wants mamma naked
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
