i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
