How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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