And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
