I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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