Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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