I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I can't put those talents on a resume
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
