Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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