New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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