In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
