she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
