i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
