im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
