I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
