Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
