dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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