just tell him i said nine months
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
