There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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