I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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