i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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