no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
