I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
