Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
