everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
