DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
