I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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