I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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