You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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