Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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