Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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