his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
