i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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