i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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