Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
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Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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