I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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