textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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