i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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