Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
