He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
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Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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