Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
