Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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