Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
