he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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