somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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