She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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