Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This baby is an asshole
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
