Little spoons don't ask big questions
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
