You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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